This is My Story, This is My Song.

Happy Holidays, Reader

I'm pretty positive that just about everyone and their moms are posting disgustingly general and cliched segments about their Christmases and what they bought, received, hated, and loved. About the joy of giving, and family, and a bunch of other crap I can pick up from any given children's book. If that is what you were anticipating, I suggest you stop reading right about now.

As I'm sure all of you well know, yesterday was Christmas. What I received this year was in noway tangible or material. No, it was much greater. Much more precious. A couple of days ago, I brought up a subject and then dismissed it for a later time.

well, ladies and gentlemen, that time is now.

You see, I've been through some heavy times. We all have.

Not too long ago, I was thrust into a brutal, first-hand experience of the raw, true meaning of the words "rock bottom." I firmly believe that God had had quite enough of the way I was living. And he was right; I had been living my life all wrong. I was a heartless, bitter person. I wanted exactly what I wanted and carelessly discarded of whoever the hell harbored any ideas apart from my own. I felt as though I had to be this Big Bad Bitch, or I'd lose respect. Or I'd get hurt, walked all over. I was scared to death of living with any hint of weakness. I had a bad case of tunnel vision and a fatal sense of inconsideration. This hollow persona caused me to lose my best friend, many close friends, and eventually, my loving boyfriend.

The sad part is, I was totally ignorant to my own faults. Every time someone disappeared from my life, I viewed it as their own damn loss. They were shitty friends that did me wrong so fuck 'em. fuck 'em all. My silver lining at the time: I had my wonderful boyfriend. He made everything right and was all I would ever need. The Big Bad Bitch grew and matured and by the time I got to college, was a full-blown monster. I was blinded in every way. I saw nothing wrong with how I treated people. I didn't even notice it anymore, it had become second nature. I was right, and everyone else was dead wrong. One way or the other, I ended up losing all my close friends. The only person left to solely endure the constant wrath of The Big Bad Bitch was my love.

I think you all know where this is going.

Inevitably, I lost him. There's only so much one person can take. But, he left me in the dark. I had no idea why, all of a sudden, I was alone. No explanation, just goodbye. It hit me with a vengeance, and I went down. they say, the bigger the giant, the harder the fall. At this point, The Big Bad Bitch made the great Goliath look like a pubescent child. I had driven away all of my oldest friends, my family, and my sense of humanity. I was, in every meaning of the word, alone. And like the people of Isreal, great pleasure was taken in watching the giant fall. Words cannot explain the agony. I had exhausted the support of my own family, for God's sake. Initially, I went through a state of shock. I couldn't believe this was happening, not to me. I had done nothing wrong. Everyone was out to get me, and they had succeeded. I loathed the existence of myself and every breathing creature as far as the eye could see.

Someone once said that no matter how far one travels in the wrong direction, he can always turn around.

I realized so many things about myself. God opened my eyes to help me see that, at this point, I had two options: make a change or live alone. I think you all know which one I chose. Still wondering what this has to do with my Christmas gift? Hold on, it's coming.

So, this boyfriend of mine. His name is Matthew. I hurt him pretty bad. I didn't know it at the time. Even after I launched this sort of inner reconstruction progect, I still hated him. I hated him for leaving me without so much as a phone call. Because I knew I was horrible to everyone else, but I just knew I treated him right. I just knew I was nothing but good to him. I just knew that I was right and he was oh so very wrong -sound familiar? The Bitch was still there. Matthew had single-handedly shot me off of my high horse and there was not a soul that I hated more than him. How could he do this to me? How could he leave me when he knew I had no one? How could he leave without telling me why?

The answer was simple, and it came to me Christmas morning. He hadn't talked to me in days. Christmas morning, he gave me my answer. He explained to me how horrible I was. How hard I was to deal with. How much of a burden, bitch, and pain I had become. He had watched as I hurt so many people, oblivious to the fact that his time was coming. He loved me, but just couldn't take it anymore. I was a massive tyrant. I had dug my own grave and was pushed into it by the one I loved.

And with that, it was done. During this entire time, I had become the person I never knew I always wanted to be. But I was still unhappy. And I didn't know why. It was because I was harboring so much anger for the undeserving. Matthew showed me that. He was the finishing touch. That morning, with his honesty, I opened my eyes, and for the first time in my life, I was happy.

I was happy.

I cried. and I cried. and cried. I had waited so long to be happy. I never knew why I hated life so much. Now I know, it was simply because I was living the wrong life. That Big Bad Bitch? that wasn't the life intended for me, yet I was living it to the fullest extent. and guess what? in the end, it all came crashing down. some people just have to learn the hard way.


I can now honestly say that I'm happy. I'm happy. and it feels great. I've been given a new life, a new chance. and I'm eager to finally start living.

However, the damage is done. I can't take back all the things that I've done. All I can do is offer my sincerest apologies. I've done some unforgiveable things, I'm aware of this. All I ask is that you hear me out. Hear my story. An apology is soiled by excuses, so I make none on my behalf. I was wrong and I'm sorry. There are too many to name personally, but a select few come to mind.

Kelsey. You know I love you and I always will. I was a terrible friend to you. You were there whenever I needed you, and I ruined that. You were family. Through thick and thin. Whenever I would stumble, it was you grabbing my arm. holding me steady. We have more memories than I can recollect. However, we'll never make another memory, and I'm to blame. I love you Kels, I'm sorry.

Gina. I was a bitch. A huge one. I wish I could take it all back. You were always there for me. I took our friendship for granted. I'm sorry.

Lexie. We were never close, but I said things I shouldn't have said. I was out of place that night. I was wrong. and I'm sorry.

Daniel. Oh, Kerm. I was the bitch of all bitches towards you. You know what hurts the most when I think about how I treated you? Graduation. All the painful memories of Matt's grad. Do you know who held me as I cried that day? Who held my hand and told me that everything was going to be ok? It was you. You're like a big brother to me, Daniel. Even though it doesn't seem like it at times, I love you. And I'm sorry.

Justin. You and I both know what I did. You and I both know why I did it. But only I know how sorry I am for doing it. How much I regret it. You were everything a girl could ever want, and how did I repay you? by breaking your heart. I was a child. I was too young to understand. But now that I do, it kills me. You were a hopeless romantic who loved spoiling me, ha. and I killed that spirit.
You, my love, are special. I'm sorry. for everything.

Matthew. Where do I even start? You were my heart, my future, and my world. I will never forgive myself for the way I treated you. You didn't deserve a bit of it. I am who I am today because of you. and because of God. You picked me up everytime I fell. Until it was you who was knocking me down, forcing me to pick myself up. Thank you for this. I fully understand why you feel the way you do towards me now, and I'm not going to ask you to change. Because I deserve it. I ended our relationship, I know that now. I drove you away. My heart aches for who I was. For what I had let myself become. For the things that I did and said. I never meant a word. I'm sorry that I waited until it was too late to change. I've lost you, I know that. But baby, don't forget me. And baby, be happy. You're going to be something great, I just know it. And baby, don't ever forget that I love you.
I love you. I never stopped. and I never will.

That goes to all of you.

Unconditionally Yours,
Simply Jen

If You Surrender to the Wind, You Can Ride it

Oh, hey there. Care to know what I'm listening to this time?
Drops of Jupiter, by Train.
Do you ever wonder how some people come up with such moving, profoundly elevated music? I love it. No matter what I'm going through, I can always find lyrics to precisely mirror and illustrate my exact emotions. It feels good. It feels great. Nobody wants to suffer alone. Listening and reading such lyrics lets me know that I'm not alone. It's like Train is speaking directly to me.

"JEN, babygirl. I've been where you are, and look at me now! everything is going to be just fine."

You know who says that the best? Jennifer Nettles. A-fucking-mazing. One of the most talented musicians I've ever known. "Keep You" By Sugarland is my sanctuary right now. But that's another story, another blog.

In Drops of Jupiter, he speaks of a soul search. A long, lonely journey taken to find oneself.

I'm sure we can all relate.

In actuality, there are eight stages of personal development. This song reflects the third stage; Focusing. The Focusing stage itself is a quest. A quest to find who you are. your purpose. passion. ambition. your strengths. and your weaknesses. Needless to say, these attributes are not unveiled through tedious studies or simple research. But from raw experience. And if I told you that these experiences weren't easy, that would be a severe understatement on my part. People often get hurt, and hurt bad. Many restless days are spent in confusion and many sleepless nights spent in vexation. The best part is, you won't even know who the hell you're irritated with. So, naturally, you blame yourself and those around you. All together, you unintentionally hurt the people closest to you in a selfish drive to achieve ultimate realization. It's inevitable.

But, you know what? that's ok.

Referring back to the song, he talks of not only this notorious journey, but the return. The by-product. The effect it has on other people. He says that, upon observing the changed behavior and new person, he is reminded himself that "there is time to change...room to grow." No matter how hard things get, there is always that one person. at least one. that sees, observes, and is inspired by the choices you make.

With every duel that life challenges you to, keep in mind two things:
One. Only worthy candidates are chosen to battle such an opponent. The fact that you're being tested proves in itself that you have what it takes, so give it your all. In the end, you'll be stronger, faster, and wiser. Life doesn't fight to kill, but to educate.
Two. Always remember that one person. That one person who watches and is influenced. motivated. Keep them in mind with each decision made. Einstein once said that a life worth living is a life lived for others.

How will you be remembered?

Unconditionally Yours,
Simply Jen

P.S. you are not alone.

Love Sucks.

Ben Harper, how do you always know exactly how I feel ?

"Oh no- here comes that sun again.
And that means another day without you, my friend.
And it hurts me to look into the mirror at myself.
And it hurts even more to have to be with somebody else.

And it's so hard to do and so easy to say.
But sometimes, you just have to walk away

With so many people to love in my life, why do I worry about one?
But you put the happy in my ness, you put the good times into my fun.

And it's so hard to do and so easy to say.
But sometimes, you just have to walk away
Walk away and head for the door.

We've tried the goodbye so many days.
We walk in the same direction so that we could never stray.
They say if you love somebody than you have got to set them free,
but I would rather be locked to you than live in this pain and misery.
They say time will make all this go away,
but it's time that has taken my tomorrows and turned them into yesterdays.
And once again that rising sun is droppin' on down
And once again, you my friend, are nowhere to be found.

And it's so hard to do and so easy to say.
But sometimes, you just have to walk away, walk away and head for the door.
You just walk away
You just walk away, walk on, turn and head for the door."

Simplicity

Listening to this soundtrack always manages to set me at ease, regardless the source of tension. Lesson one: music is directly linked with the soul. Wanna feel good? Find a good song. Close your eyes. Open your ears. Release your mind.

Think I'm kidding?

"I regard music therapy as a tool of great power in many neurological diseases because of its unique capacity to organize or reorganize cerebral function when it has been damaged."
-Oliver Sacks, M.D.

"(Music therapy) can make the difference between withdrawal and awareness, between isolation and interaction, between chronic pain and comfort-between demoralization and dignity."
-Barbara Crowe, past president of the National Association for Music Therapy

"Simply put, music can heal people."
-Sen. Harry Reid (D-Nev)

Believe me now? Thought so. Now, let's proceed:
The simplest things in life undoubtedly have the innate capability to produce immense amounts of blissful pleasure. For instance, I took pictures with Santa today. My best friend and I sat on his lap and everything, whole nine yards. We shared a Starbucks breakfast -only the best- and a Red Robin's dinner. The gap between was filled with hours of arts and crafts, family time, and a good movie. In the end, we had some impressive homemade Christmas gifts, hilarious inside jokes, and unforgetable memories.

The point?
The carefree euphoria of childhood is not lost with physical or moral development, but with unintentional and absent-minded omission. Sometimes, we need to revert back to simplicity. The small things that made us happy once upon a time -a beautiful day, beautiful people, and beautiful company- still surround us daily. When portals of happiness are everywhere you turn, the only thing keeping you from being happy is yourself.
Look around.

Unconditionally Yours,
Simply Jen

P.S. breathe. just, breate. now smile.
how does that feel?

Commencements

Dear Reader,

Patrick Overturn once said that when we arrive at the edge of our light, forcing us to step into the darkness, we must believe that one of two things will happen: that there will be something solid for us to stand on, or we will be taught to fly. Moral of the lesson? optimism. optimism. optimism. Your problems are only as bad as you make them out to be.

Everyone has their own share of problems. Unfortunately, some asshole decided to endow me with an unlimited supply.

Lucky me, right?

Until recently, My Life embodied full and absolute charge of me, not the other way around. I was a pathetic wreck and was totally oblivious to the fact. However, I can honestly and confidently say that "something has changed within me, something is not the same" -if you know what I'm quoting, give yourself two points.

Now, to answer the question that I know you're all asking: I have no idea why I started blogging. I am clueless as to what I intend to blog about. All I know is that I'm going to change the world. Once again, I know what you're thinking.

cliche. cliche. cliche.

But really, I love writing. I love helping people. Two birds with one stone, baby. And this concludes my very first blog ever. A decent start, if I do say so myself. Until next timee !

Unconditionally Yours,
Simply Jen.

P.S. smile.