I'm pretty positive that just about everyone and their moms are posting disgustingly general and cliched segments about their Christmases and what they bought, received, hated, and loved. About the joy of giving, and family, and a bunch of other crap I can pick up from any given children's book. If that is what you were anticipating, I suggest you stop reading right about now.
As I'm sure all of you well know, yesterday was Christmas. What I received this year was in noway tangible or material. No, it was much greater. Much more precious. A couple of days ago, I brought up a subject and then dismissed it for a later time.
well, ladies and gentlemen, that time is now.
You see, I've been through some heavy times. We all have.
Not too long ago, I was thrust into a brutal, first-hand experience of the raw, true meaning of the words "rock bottom." I firmly believe that God had had quite enough of the way I was living. And he was right; I had been living my life all wrong. I was a heartless, bitter person. I wanted exactly what I wanted and carelessly discarded of whoever the hell harbored any ideas apart from my own. I felt as though I had to be this Big Bad Bitch, or I'd lose respect. Or I'd get hurt, walked all over. I was scared to death of living with any hint of weakness. I had a bad case of tunnel vision and a fatal sense of inconsideration. This hollow persona caused me to lose my best friend, many close friends, and eventually, my loving boyfriend.
The sad part is, I was totally ignorant to my own faults. Every time someone disappeared from my life, I viewed it as their own damn loss. They were shitty friends that did me wrong so fuck 'em. fuck 'em all. My silver lining at the time: I had my wonderful boyfriend. He made everything right and was all I would ever need. The Big Bad Bitch grew and matured and by the time I got to college, was a full-blown monster. I was blinded in every way. I saw nothing wrong with how I treated people. I didn't even notice it anymore, it had become second nature. I was right, and everyone else was dead wrong. One way or the other, I ended up losing all my close friends. The only person left to solely endure the constant wrath of The Big Bad Bitch was my love.
Inevitably, I lost him. There's only so much one person can take. But, he left me in the dark. I had no idea why, all of a sudden, I was alone. No explanation, just goodbye. It hit me with a vengeance, and I went down. they say, the bigger the giant, the harder the fall. At this point, The Big Bad Bitch made the great Goliath look like a pubescent child. I had driven away all of my oldest friends, my family, and my sense of humanity. I was, in every meaning of the word, alone. And like the people of Isreal, great pleasure was taken in watching the giant fall. Words cannot explain the agony. I had exhausted the support of my own family, for God's sake. Initially, I went through a state of shock. I couldn't believe this was happening, not to me. I had done nothing wrong. Everyone was out to get me, and they had succeeded. I loathed the existence of myself and every breathing creature as far as the eye could see.
I realized so many things about myself. God opened my eyes to help me see that, at this point, I had two options: make a change or live alone. I think you all know which one I chose. Still wondering what this has to do with my Christmas gift? Hold on, it's coming.
So, this boyfriend of mine. His name is Matthew. I hurt him pretty bad. I didn't know it at the time. Even after I launched this sort of inner reconstruction progect, I still hated him. I hated him for leaving me without so much as a phone call. Because I knew I was horrible to everyone else, but I just knew I treated him right. I just knew I was nothing but good to him. I just knew that I was right and he was oh so very wrong -sound familiar? The Bitch was still there. Matthew had single-handedly shot me off of my high horse and there was not a soul that I hated more than him. How could he do this to me? How could he leave me when he knew I had no one? How could he leave without telling me why?
The answer was simple, and it came to me Christmas morning. He hadn't talked to me in days. Christmas morning, he gave me my answer. He explained to me how horrible I was. How hard I was to deal with. How much of a burden, bitch, and pain I had become. He had watched as I hurt so many people, oblivious to the fact that his time was coming. He loved me, but just couldn't take it anymore. I was a massive tyrant. I had dug my own grave and was pushed into it by the one I loved.
And with that, it was done. During this entire time, I had become the person I never knew I always wanted to be. But I was still unhappy. And I didn't know why. It was because I was harboring so much anger for the undeserving. Matthew showed me that. He was the finishing touch. That morning, with his honesty, I opened my eyes, and for the first time in my life, I was happy.
I was happy.
I cried. and I cried. and cried. I had waited so long to be happy. I never knew why I hated life so much. Now I know, it was simply because I was living the wrong life. That Big Bad Bitch? that wasn't the life intended for me, yet I was living it to the fullest extent. and guess what? in the end, it all came crashing down. some people just have to learn the hard way.
I can now honestly say that I'm happy. I'm happy. and it feels great. I've been given a new life, a new chance. and I'm eager to finally start living.
However, the damage is done. I can't take back all the things that I've done. All I can do is offer my sincerest apologies. I've done some unforgiveable things, I'm aware of this. All I ask is that you hear me out. Hear my story. An apology is soiled by excuses, so I make none on my behalf. I was wrong and I'm sorry. There are too many to name personally, but a select few come to mind.
Kelsey. You know I love you and I always will. I was a terrible friend to you. You were there whenever I needed you, and I ruined that. You were family. Through thick and thin. Whenever I would stumble, it was you grabbing my arm. holding me steady. We have more memories than I can recollect. However, we'll never make another memory, and I'm to blame. I love you Kels, I'm sorry.
Gina. I was a bitch. A huge one. I wish I could take it all back. You were always there for me. I took our friendship for granted. I'm sorry.
Lexie. We were never close, but I said things I shouldn't have said. I was out of place that night. I was wrong. and I'm sorry.
Daniel. Oh, Kerm. I was the bitch of all bitches towards you. You know what hurts the most when I think about how I treated you? Graduation. All the painful memories of Matt's grad. Do you know who held me as I cried that day? Who held my hand and told me that everything was going to be ok? It was you. You're like a big brother to me, Daniel. Even though it doesn't seem like it at times, I love you. And I'm sorry.
Justin. You and I both know what I did. You and I both know why I did it. But only I know how sorry I am for doing it. How much I regret it. You were everything a girl could ever want, and how did I repay you? by breaking your heart. I was a child. I was too young to understand. But now that I do, it kills me. You were a hopeless romantic who loved spoiling me, ha. and I killed that spirit.
You, my love, are special. I'm sorry. for everything.
Matthew. Where do I even start? You were my heart, my future, and my world. I will never forgive myself for the way I treated you. You didn't deserve a bit of it. I am who I am today because of you. and because of God. You picked me up everytime I fell. Until it was you who was knocking me down, forcing me to pick myself up. Thank you for this. I fully understand why you feel the way you do towards me now, and I'm not going to ask you to change. Because I deserve it. I ended our relationship, I know that now. I drove you away. My heart aches for who I was. For what I had let myself become. For the things that I did and said. I never meant a word. I'm sorry that I waited until it was too late to change. I've lost you, I know that. But baby, don't forget me. And baby, be happy. You're going to be something great, I just know it. And baby, don't ever forget that I love you.
I love you. I never stopped. and I never will.
Unconditionally Yours,
Simply Jen
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